Dear God of small sandwiches and chubby blondes

There are sometimes you wished you had written something yourself. This is one of those times. From Craig's List- Missed Connections;

"Hey god, This is me. I know it may seem to you I ignore, but thats not the case I just like to try to do things on my own. I hope the skulls, pentegrams, black clothing, spells I sometimes do, do not upset you. Im still a big fan.


Its not that I dont appreciatte the 5 foot 10 blondes you seem to keep sending my way. Or the hot flight attendant, the east european model types, the much younger girls that hit on me... they are great its just uh..


Remember that short chubby blonde you sent my way by mistake a few years ago? The one that always took food off my plate, scratched my nin pretty hate machine cd, and ruined my kraft dinner the one time she tried to make it for me?
The one that constantly demanded "give me cuddles!!". The one that called me at 4am wondering what I was doing. Made me ride in a blizzard to get her sprinkles and ice cream

Whats that, the one with the big hips, that talked to her cat?? Ya thats the one..

I was wondering if you could send her back my way, just a little nudge. Ill do the rest.

And yes im sure I dont want another tall blonde, or brunnette, or even an orally obsessed bi sexual girl with killer legs

I know its an odd request but the chubby one liked to bring me sandwiches, and yes Ill save one for you and j.c. .. what? Usually tuna

Thanks god your a pal"